


Right Here

by raphaelsantiagosavedhimself



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-21
Updated: 2016-04-21
Packaged: 2018-06-03 16:50:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6618556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raphaelsantiagosavedhimself/pseuds/raphaelsantiagosavedhimself
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after Shadowhunters season 1 finale. Simon has trouble coping without the clan, but discovers Raphael still has one more lesson to teach him</p>
            </blockquote>





	Right Here

**Author's Note:**

> Title is taken from a song by Staind. It really fits saphael so you should listen to it, it's awesome

 

Simon winced as he swallowed the blood. He’d thought the blood packs Raphael used to give him had been bad, but this was worse. At least those had been fresh. This was old blood squeezed out of slabs of dead meat; all that the Institute could provide him with. Saying that he missed fresh blood was definitely one of the most unexpected things that had happened to him this side of undeath.

He turned on the kitchen tap and rinsed out the glass. No one had asked him to do this after drinking blood, but he was sure no one would appreciate washing glasses stained with dry blood. He knew he wouldn’t. He didn’t even appreciate having to drink the stuff.

Clary entered the kitchen, yawning and still dressed in her nightgown. Her hair was a tangled red mass that fell down her back.

‘You’re still awake,’ she observed, watching Simon place the now rinsed glass with the other dishes bound for the dishwasher.

‘Yeah, I was… you know. Hungry. Also I wanted to talk to you.’

‘What about?’ Clary opened the fridge and took out a carton of orange juice. She drank straight from the carton and Simon smiled as he thought about how many times Jocelyn had scolded her for doing this. It was startling how quickly she had made the Institute her home.

Almost as quickly as Simon had with the Dumort.

He shrugged. ‘Nothing in particular. I just wanted to talk to someone.’

Clary lowered the carton of orange juice. ‘Are you okay, Simon?’

‘Yeah!’ Simon said quickly. ‘Yeah, of course I am. It’s just, what with me sleeping during the day and everyone else sleeping at night, I don’t often get to speak to people. Or do anything.’ He hadn’t meant it to sound as bitter as it did, but it was true. He was alone most of the time, sat in the room the Lightwoods had given him, waiting for the sun to come up and for everyone to wake up. But by then it was time for him to go to sleep. He couldn’t go out with them because the sun would burn him. He was starting to feel trapped inside the Institute, a prisoner. In the Dumort he’d had people to talk to, things to do. Now he felt like he forever waiting for time to pass, waiting for the few minutes each day he could spend talking to the others.

Simon sat at the table while the Lightwoods, Clary and Jocelyn ate breakfast. No one talked about the empty chair where Jace was supposed to be, though Simon noticed Clary glancing at it every few minutes.

After breakfast, when the Shadowhunters dispersed for training and other Shadowhunter duties that were never explained to Simon, it was time for him to go to bed. He said goodnight to Clary and then left the kitchen. He glanced back over his shoulder at them when he reached the doorway. The only person looking at him was Jocelyn. She smiled at him, but there was a sadness in her eyes.

Simon lay in bed, but he couldn’t sleep. He had never slept well since leaving the Dumort. He could hear the sounds of the Institute raging around him. The thudding of Shadowhunters training, so many murmuring voices, echoing footsteps. He had worked hard to hone his vampire senses. Raphael had helped him at the Dumort but he had never done very well. He hadn’t wanted to. He’d just wanted to be normal. Something about being outcast from the vampires had changed that, and he had started trying to further his training alone. The hearing was the easiest, although now he regretted it. Because it wasn’t just voices and footsteps he could hear all around him in the Institute. It was heartbeats too. The sound of blood pulsing through veins. And learning to control his hunger was a lot harder than his hearing. He found himself drinking more of the old blood than was necessary just to make sure he was never hungry enough to accidentally attack one of the many Shadowhunters around him. Sometimes he thought maybe it was a good thing he was awake while they slept. This way, he never had to be around them too much.

Raphael had always cursed at his unwillingness to embrace his vampirism. He didn’t want to sleep during the day, he didn’t want heightened senses, he didn’t want incredible strength. He just wanted to go home to his mother and have band practice and be ordinary. He’d wanted a family. Now he felt like he’d gained a family and lost it before he had time to realise what he had.

* * *

_We take care of our own._

_Welcome home._

Why had Simon never paid enough attention? Everything Raphael had done for him. Saving him. Taking him back to Clary. Protecting him from Camille. Taking him in and training him. Simon had never even thanked him. The first time Raphael had saved him, the first time Simon had been inside the Dumort, Simon had tried to thank him. But Raphael had said—

_You mean nothing._

Simon winced at the memory. It hadn’t stung so much at the time. Why should he have meant something to Raphael when they had just met? But the longer he spent in Raphael’s company after becoming a vampire, the more the words kept recurring to him.

Every time Raphael gave him blood.

_You mean nothing._

Every time Raphael encouraged him during training.

_You mean nothing._

Every time Raphael looked at him.

_You mean nothing._

That was why Simon had never paid enough attention to the things Raphael said to him after that. He still saw no other reason for Raphael to care about him. He’d assumed Raphael helped him because he felt responsible for him in some way. He had kidnapped him and taken him to Camille. Simon would never have been Turned if that had never happened. And now he had no sire. So Raphael had taken him in, his first act as the new leader of the New York vampire clan. Simon wasn’t important, he was just a responsibility.

_You mean nothing._

* * *

He only slept for a few hours. When he woke up, it took a moment to remember where he was. It was a disorienting moment. He felt like he should have been expecting his bedroom at home, but he wasn’t. He was expecting to see his bedroom at the Dumort, with its deep red wallpaper, and the big window with the shutters pulled down to block out the sun, and the grand chandelier hanging from the high ceiling. What he saw instead was a narrow room with wood panelled walls, and a narrow bed, and a window with a black sheet pinned over it. What he had expected, what he knew he _should_ have expected, and the reality of where he was all warred inside his head, making him dizzy.

After that came homesickness. He wasn’t sure which bedroom he was homesick for.

After he’d dressed, he left his room. The Institute was quiet apart from the sounds of the gentle collective breathing of sleeping Shadowhunters. Everyone was already asleep. Simon was disappointed. He’d hoped to spend time with someone for a while before they went to bed. Clary, Isabelle, Jocelyn. Hell, he’d talk to Alec if he had to, whether Alec wanted him to or not. He had never felt so cut off from other people in his entire life. He had never felt so lonely.

In the kitchen, a glass of blood sat on the counter and Simon smiled a little. Clary must have left it for him. He sat down at the table to drink it. The table was too big for one person to sit at it alone. It was designed for gatherings of ten people. A place for large families to sit together. It was not designed for one person to sit alone with a glass of old blood while the rest of the building slept around him.

Was this how he was supposed to spend the rest of his life?

Was this how he was supposed to spend the rest of _eternity_?

He thought about the way Jocelyn had looked at him as he’d left the kitchen to go to bed. The sadness in her eyes. She had always known Clary was a Shadowhunter, but Simon was a mundane. She had known Simon since he was a child, almost since he was a baby, had practically raised him, and now he was a vampire. She hadn’t said anything about it. Not to him at least. Did she think he was a monster? Did she think he was someone different to the boy she had helped raise? Why had she looked so sad?

Had she known what Simon had sacrificed to save her?

He’d tried talking to Raphael in the weeks since Raphael had exiled him from the clan. He had written letters first. So many unfinished letters he’d crumpled up and thrown in the bin before getting the courage to finish one and deliver it. He’d heard nothing back. He didn’t know if Raphael had even read it.

So he’d tried to speak to Raphael. He had gone to the Dumort and let himself in but he hadn’t gotten very far. A vampire spotted him, recognised him, and informed him in no uncertain terms that Raphael had ordered his immediate execution should he ever be caught wandering the Dumort without permission again. The vampire told him he was willing to let it go as long as Simon left and never went back.

So Simon had left.

That had been two weeks ago.

He hadn’t gone back.

Where was there to go when everyone you knew slept while you were awake and your own kind despised you?

‘Moping around, are we?’

Simon jumped. He had been lost in his own thoughts, hands clasped around the now empty glass.

Magnus Bane stood in the doorway, watching him with a raised eyebrow.

‘What are you doing here?’ Simon asked. ‘It’s almost one a.m.’

‘Your lovely friend Clary asked me to come and see you. It seems someone informed her I have connections with Raphael.’

‘You do?’

‘Yes,’ Magnus said, examining his glittery nail polish. ‘That doesn’t mean I’ll use them. I agree that what you did was unforgivable.’

Unforgivable. Betrayal. Simon had never thought words could cut so deep. He looked back down at the glass in his hands. ‘You think I deserve to be killed for it?’

‘Don’t be melodramatic.’

‘Raphael does. He’s put a kill order on me.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

‘He has!’

‘If he didn’t kill _Camille_ after everything she’s done, what makes you think he’d want to kill you?’

Simon hesitated. He hadn’t considered that. ‘So…why would he say he wanted me dead if he didn’t really?’ He glanced over at the doorway where Magnus had stood, but he was gone.

* * *

_Simon’s betrayed us._

He had never intended to betray him. It wasn’t like he’d meant to hurt Raphael or the others. He’d just wanted Jocelyn safe. Now she was safe. And Raphael was not. And it was Simon’s fault.

If only he could just get Raphael to speak to him. For five minutes even. To give him a chance to explain. But Raphael refused to speak to him. He had never done that before. Even when he had been angry with Simon before, he had never refused to listen to him. He probably hadn’t even read the letters Simon had sent.

He kept thinking about what Magnus had said about Camille. When put in that context, it was true that it didn’t make sense Raphael had threatened to kill him for releasing Camille, when he hadn’t wanted to kill Camille in the first place.

He had thought he was getting to know Raphael, all those nights spent with him in the Dumort. Now he realised he didn’t know him at all.

* * *

‘You want _us_ to search for Camille?’ Alec said

‘Yes.’

‘This is vampire territory, it’s their business.’

‘It’s _our_ business because _we_ let her out to suit our own purpose,’ Simon said, balling his hands into fists in his lap. ‘The least we can do is clean up our own mess.’

‘We’re already searching for Jace.’

‘So Jace alone is more important than the entire vampire clan?’

‘If we don’t stop Valentine there are going to be a lot more people in danger than one vampire clan.’

‘So they’re expendable?’

‘That’s not what I said!’

Simon laughed. It was a bitter sound, shocking to his own ears. ‘Raphael was right. If the clan were Shadowhunters who were at risk you’d care.’

‘No one said that we don’t care,’ Isabelle said. ‘We have a lot to deal with.’

‘How many Shadowhunters live in this Institute?’ Simon asked. ‘You can’t spare even just a few to work on tracking Camille? You need _all_ of them to work on finding Valentine and Jace?’

‘Yes.’

‘You’re full of shit.’

‘Simon!’ Jocelyn cried, shocked.

‘Do you care?’ Simon asked her, noting the desperate plea in his voice.

‘Simon, there’s nothing we can do,’ Jocelyn said.

Simon stared. Jocelyn had never refused to help him before. ‘We let her out to save you,’ he said. His eyes stung with tears and he hated himself for crying in front of them. ‘We let her out so we could keep you safe and we put the entire clan at risk to do it, we put _me_ at risk to do it.’

No one answered. Jocelyn’s eyebrows furrowed in sadness and Alec refused to meet Simon’s gaze and Clary’s eyes shone with tears, but no one offered a solution.

‘There really is a divide between us, isn’t there?’ Simon said. He wiped his eyes and his hand came away bloody, the red startling against his pale skin, another shocking reminder that he was different to them. He could never be like them.

‘Raphael has done more for me since I met him than any of you have. He saved my life. Twice. He took me in, he trained me, he treated me like an equal. He didn’t deserve what we did. And I…I need him back.’ He got to his feet. ‘If you won’t help me, I’ll fix it myself.’

He stormed from the room, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

Coming full circle, Simon trespassed on the Dumort’s premises and yelled Raphael’s name. The word echoed off the walls as if the building were empty, but Simon wasn’t fooled.

After several moments, he heard approaching footsteps. He almost believed it would be Camille again, but then Raphael came into view. His hands were stuffed in his pockets and he gazed at Simon with one raised eyebrow.

‘Please don’t kill me,’ Simon said.

‘Why did you come back?’

‘I wanted to talk to you.’

‘Yes, I gathered that from your letters.’

‘You…you read them?’

Raphael inclined his head.

‘You never replied.’

‘They weren’t good enough.’

‘I don’t know what else you want me to say.’

‘If I told you, there would be no point,’ Raphael said. ‘You wouldn’t mean it.’

‘It’s always some kind of lesson with you, isn’t it?’

‘If you have nothing new to say, you may as well leave now.’ Raphael turned to leave.

‘Raphael, no! Please,’ Simon said. He didn’t know what he was going to say but he couldn’t bear the sight of Raphael walking away from him. ‘I’m sorry! I don’t know what I can do to show you how sorry I am. Jocelyn is my family and all I could think of was getting her back but once she was back I realised what I’d sacrificed for it.’

‘And what’s that?’

‘You.’

Raphael, who had paused in the doorway, turned around to face Simon again. The expression on his face said, _‘go on.’_

‘You have to understand…’ Simon said hesitantly. ‘I’m not saying I regret waking Jocelyn up. She’s still my family. She practically raised me. But I regret how we did it. If I could go back and do it any other way, I would. But I realised…you’re my family too. No one has taken care of me the way you have since I discovered the Shadow World. And you didn’t even have to. I need you.’

‘You did not realise this until I threw you out?’

‘No.’

‘I thought not. I could think of no other way to get you to realise it.’

‘You…you did this on purpose?’

A smirk tugged the corner of Raphael’s lips. ‘It’s always a lesson with me.’

‘So…you’re not angry?’

‘I’m furious, Simon,’ Raphael said. ‘And I don’t forgive you. I don’t know if I ever can. But it was the first time you had made a mistake, and you made that mistake because you did not yet realise how important the clan was to you. I did not want you back among us until you recognised that. Until then, you would always be a wild card, choosing the Shadowhunters over us. Going along with their schemes even if it meant endangering us. I do not think you’ll make that mistake again, will you?’

Simon shook his head. There were tears in his eyes again, but they were tears of relief.

‘Ask me.’

Simon swallowed, trying to steady his voice again. ‘Can I come back? Will you let me back into the clan? Please?’

Raphael said nothing for a moment, and Simon began to fear Raphael was still going to refuse. That maybe there was still another lesson to learn, or Raphael’s anger at his betrayal overpowered his willingness to welcome Simon back into the fold.

Then he nodded his head. ‘ _Si._ You can come back.’

Tears running down his cheeks now, Simon said, ‘Thank you! Thank you so much. I won’t let you down again. I’m so sorry.’

‘I do not expect you to give up your connections to the Nephilim,’ Raphael said. ‘Although I wish you would. But I expect you to start recognising us as your family now. I told you, Simon. We take care of our own. That’s not going to change.’ He turned to leave, leaving Simon standing in the middle of the room, weeping with relief. But once again, he turned back to face him in the doorway. ‘Welcome back, fledgling. I missed you.’

Then he left.


End file.
